Tuesday August 8-10, 2000

Note to self: Never attend business dinners and or parties with Dad's work or the people he works with. I don't even understand how they have so much to say. But, then again, who wouldn't loosen up after a couple of beers? Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to try it. I know I will probably never do it, but I just can't help but wonder. Life's got to have a little mystery I suppose. I guess it's probably nice when you can dull the emotion a bit. It's not so bad when you can take the edge off of it.

Out of the blue, he calls and ruins everything. My mind was set on how much I despised men. But I guess it's just like him to go ruining all my plans. I suddenly remembered all the reasons why I fell in love with him. Seeing him every few months wouldn't be so bad, but it's a lot more wear and tear on my poor heart. Maybe I'll learn to be strong, maybe one day, but not today. For now, I think it's okay that someone else is the strong one. Soon enough I'll be back to fill my old shoes.

-Sarah K


August 10, 2000

There comes a point where words are impossible to find, but they aren't necessary anyway. And that just may be the thing that saves you.

The thought of a kind of love like that, makes me wonder if such a thing really exists. Snow Falling on Cedars is perhaps one of the most passionate and extraordinary films I have seen in a while. Something in it connected with me. Something about the way he loved her made me wonder. It made me wonder if I'll ever find that intensity, that love, or passion with someone. I think I might have a few times, but only a taste. Because everyone I have ever loved I've had to leave or they did. Maybe that's what it's all about. It's like you hope that it really exists, not just in the movies.

"I think that if you'd just let me hold you, just that, then I could walk away for the rest of my life and never look back." And she will not let him. But after all is said and done, the snow falling, she calls out to him. "Can I hold you now?" And in the middle of the cold air, outside the court room, they hold each other for the last time. And they walk away. Both knowing that they experienced something and they will never be the same for the rest of their lives. I want that. I want to love so much that it hurts. So much that I couldn't imagine my life without him. And he will hold me as long as I want him to and will never let go first. I want that.

I thought of Aiden, the way we held each other through tears. How he sobbed against my chest and clutched the back of my shirt between his fingers, and neither of us felt like living. And the only thing shining that night was the moon, no stars. I think the moon was sad then.

I thought of Jacob. Riding up to Brighton, staring at the sky as the snow fell on our heads, laughing then silently crying in the back seat, knowing we could not be together. He wiped my tears away and I saw the tears falling from his own eyes and I had to look away.

I thought of Trevor. We were so young, but just as much in love. We believed in fairy tales and happy endings. And each night we'd lie awake in each other's arms, not really minding the cold, not really feeling it. And the bitter wind blew away our tears of every last night together, not knowing if it'd be another long year until our next meeting. But he held me until we heard the birds and I had to leave.

Registering for school felt like a dream, an incredible dream. There was Brady and there was me. I couldn't help but look at his lips every time he spoke. I had kissed those lips, I had. And now what do I get in return for a moment of passion? Un-returned phone calls? A painful glance? A cold shoulder? Sad eyes, sad with apology? Chills every time we accidentally touched? The special night whisked away and forgotten like a summer breeze? Maybe I don't want to love anymore. Maybe I've loved too much already in one lifetime. And why is there so much pain? Just because I loved...

-Sarah K