Monday July 17, 2000

Sometimes I think I'd rather dream than live. Not that living is so bad. But it seems as if dreaming could be a whole lot easier. All I really want to do is write, and I can't even seem to do that lately. In fact, I don't even think I know what I want. I go through each day living the same life and doing the same things. I never really know what I want, so I just play the role that's placed in front of me. Even if sometimes it's the part that I don't want.

I can tell from Aiden's last email that he's drifting apart. And who wouldn't when they're 1200 miles away? I don't blame him, he can tell there's something terribly different with me. And there is. I'm changed. I really am. But I guess it's all the little things that really add up. I want Aiden and the guys to come visit so badly, but I almost think it'll be harder with them here. My best friends in the world--I've left them behind and emotionally detached myself from everything, but now I have to go back to it again. It seems like I can never get on with my life. Mixing the past and the present is so scary. I wish I could be mature and grown up about the whole thing and make a damn decision to whether or not I want them here. But it's not that simple. Then again, maybe it is.

I guess that's enough for tonight. I am going to try and write something.

-Sarah K