Monday July 24, 2000

I haven't gone to bed earlier than 2 a.m. in over a week. I guess I can finally understand. Too many things happened today and I got more information than I could deal with.

So I received this email from Stephen this morning. He sounded way too urgent and I noticed that he had written it at 2:00 in the morning. No one wants to get an email like that. He talked about the whole Aiden/Ashton/Sarah triangle and how Ashton is in love with me. Stephen told me they are both hurting badly from this whole thing. How do I manage to get myself into these crazy messes so easily? Aiden is planning to ask me if I ever had feelings for Ashton. "And you're going to lie" Stephen wrote. Of course I have to lie, I'm not completely stupid. I did have feelings for him, I mean when Aiden left for Europe we were together all day every day until I moved to the damn midwest. Well, Stephen was there, he can attest to what happened. But no one needs to know that, especially not Aiden. He already has so much self-loathing and self-pity over everything, which is not an understatement.

So this email tells me all the juicy gossip going down with Ashton and Aiden. Someone is going to inevitably get hurt and that someone is more than likely Ashton. There's really not a better option here. I lie to Aiden and that's the end of it. I'm really worried about Ashton, though. I hope he is going to be able to handle it. After the incredibly dramatic email from Stephen I am obviously freaking out. Luckily Kelly is in town and is helping me hold it all together. I don't know what I'd do without her. I am so lucky to have her as a friend. After a trip to Olive Garden and the mall, I felt a little better, but not much. I just hate myself for always screwing up and getting into these impossible situations.

There was a thre page typed letter from Dave waiting on the kitchen table when I got home. He isn't coming out here, but he filled me in on everything else that Stephen didn't. To make matters worse, Stephen and Dave both talked about how life wasn't the same without me there and how Aiden was a completely different person now. They said everything has fallen apart since I left. It made me want to cry and get angry all at the same time. I knew I held the group together when I was there, at home. I knew I did that more than anyone , but I got so angry that they let everything fall apart. I just can't fix everything.

In Dave's letter he tried to explain Ashton a little bit.. He said that he was attaching himself to anyone and everyone he could, including McKayla. That's what really got me. Her of all people. I really couldn't believe it. The words of disgust I feel for her, there just aren't words strong enough. The back-stabbing ex of my Aiden, the one who spread rumors about me and trampled over whoever she could to try and get Aiden back. It's really unbelievable. Dave hates her worse than anyone.

Anyhow, I didn't think my day could get worse. But I'm always wrong about that sort of thing.

I called Brandon Stirling tonight and we talked for a little while. I just wanted to forget about it all. We met a while ago at a dance and we're both new, we have a lot of things in common and I thought it would be fun to hang out with someone new. Between the time I hung up the phone with him (promising to call after Kelly and I took our second trip to the mall) and walking towards the door to leave---Jason King called. Jason King with the incredible smile, Jason with the nice red sports car, Jason with the amazing body and tan skin, Jason that I danced with at Youth Conference. Jason that was friends with Brandon Stirling, Jason King that my only friend in this town (Julie) is in love with. No way he asked me out, but he did. Wow, the day just couldn't get any more complicated. I wasn't going to ditch Kelly and Brandon though, so they came along and went on a date together. Jason's friend Brett came with a date also. His date happened to be Julie's best friend, Kate. The same Kate who hates me, the same Kate that might tell Julie everything. I just don't really know what's going to happen. I don't need anymore people against me. I am just starting to make friends in this town.

During the movie I was sitting between Brandon and Jason. Perfect right? I couldn't feel more awkward. Jason held my hand and I let him. I mean, he's cute and I had a lot on my mind...I just wanted to forget everything. He put his arm around me and we cuddled a bit during the movie. Now what the hell am I supposed to do? Julie told me about their date a week ago and how he was holding her hand for the last ten minutes of the movie and kissed her on the cheek. She is so in love with him, but he's kind of...well...a player if you will. He dates a lot of girls, and boy I can see why. He just doesn't take that kind of stuff seriously, and I wouldn't have cared otherwise, but Julie really likes him. I felt awful tonight. All these emotional hang-ups that I've had, and things are so rough right now. I also felt bad because of Brandon. We were supposed to hang out earlier and I sort of just threw this date thing on him. I can't help but wonder what he was thinking the entire night. He eluded to the fact that he liked me, but I had a boyfriend. I straightened that out and he made comments all night long that told me he liked me.

We went on a walk (the four of us) and watched the fireflies. When we got to my house Jason kept holding my hand and putting his arm around me. I didn't know what to do. The day was already a complete disaster, and so stressful. I was just too weak to do anything. At that moment I didn't really care. we said goodbye to them and Jake hugged me for a long time again. He was going to kiss me, but I turned and he got my cheek. I hated that I had to turn--but I felt like I had to. Too many complications. I was definitely attracted to him, but things are so screwed up right now. I couldn't do anything about it because of...well...everything I'm going through. Then I thought about Brady. I can't help but wonder why he hasn't called me. We had this amazing kiss underneath the apple tree, against the red convertible, the moon was full, everything was perfect. He went out of town, and I heard he's back, but I've heard nothing from him.

Here I am again, stuck in another web of troubles. I don't even know how it happens so fast.

I really think I am going to stop dating boys altogether if you really want to hear about it. I'm so sick and tired of all the drama. I'm fed up with their stupid moves and confusion they seem to cause more often than not.

Why can't they just leave me alone? Ah, what's a girl to do? I don't even know anymore. I'm tired, it's almost 3 a.m.