Friday July 7, 2000

The sun outside burns straight through my skin and makes it hard to breath right. It never used to be like that. But now I am forced to leave the life I've always known and start a new one from scratch. This may as well be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and perhaps the loneliest

Each night I try to look up at the stars hanging so perfectly in place, and remember that I'm looking at the same ones, just a different view. And then I try remember that everyone back home sees the same thing. And for some strange reason it makes me feel a little bit better about everything.

Mom tells me I can't live in the past, but I'm not sure she understands everything I'm going through. Writing letters don't keep me in the past, even though that'd be nice for once. Writing is the best form of expression and communication that I can come up with. I wish people would realize that. It's more than that even...a passion or a desire that I can't seem to control. Even though I may not do it well, I feel alive whenever my pen is clicking away and gliding across the paper.

Hearing Andrew's voice yesterday was better than a lot of things have been lately. And when he told me that he might be coming to Tulsa at the end of July; I've never been happier. It's almost been 9 months since we started dating; very hard to believe. But, I wish I could do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat. There's something between us that I'll never completely understand. It's like you always hear about these ridiculous high school romances, and what it's supposed to be like. But now that I'm living it, I don't even recognize it. How could anyone be in love at 17-years-old? I don't even feel like I'm seventeen. Sometimes, I think, "This is it. This is THE age where it all happens." But then again...there are a lot of things you don't understand at 17. I'm only beginning to see the world in this brand new light-- where everything is constantly changing

It's scary writing in here again. Sometimes I feel as if I have no privacy. Anyone could crack this open and read everything. I don't even know what would be going through their heads, especially my parents.

It isn't like I'm the most horrible person in the world. No drugs or alcohol, or sex. Even though everyone at this age seems to be involved with it in some form or another. But don't get me wrong...I'm still a teenager and make more mistakes than even I would like to admit. But how else am I supposed to learn? If someone is constantly forcing things down my throat, I don't take that too well. I wish I had more freedom. I feel like I'm five years old and my parents are still trying to hold my hand when I cross the street. I don't think they trust that I'll get across safely on my own, but I will. I wish they understood that, then again I wish they understood a lot of things.

Somehow things will work out in one way or another. This will be the journey of a lifetime, and probably not very easy. But I am certain I can make it. Goodnight.
-Sarah K