August 11-15, 2000

August 11, 2000 Friday

This strange and peculiar day wasn't so unpleasant. Quite interesting in fact. I had these dreams last night and I can remember the details so clearly now. I got them piece by piece during the day. I slept from 2-4 a.m. and I lied awake until 7:00. It was dreadful. I was exhausted and sleep did not seem permissible.

I called Brady at work around 12:30. Of course I sat in front of the phone for almost 20 minutes, practically killing myself over a silly little phone call. I kept dialing 6 #'s and I just could not bring myself to dial the 7th. Somehow, though, I did dial it, and I spoke to him after all. I do not understand why I am so determined to speak with him. I feel so estranged from him and it's as if we are mere acquaintances--not even friends. I hate that. He will call tomorrow and I'm not even sure exactly what it is I have to tell him, or why it is so urgent for that matter.

Aiden, my dear, sweet Aiden. We talked for almost 2 hours today. I could've gone on for a hundred more. Ah, love, sweet, but so painful. I sound crazy, and perhaps I am a little bit. But that changes nothing. I love Aiden, I do love him. But I believe that there are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. I cannot decipher which type of love I feel for Aiden, because I do not know all the types one can experience. But, I am certain that it's love, at least some form of it.

I didn't ignore any guy's phone calls this weekend like I usually do. I answered and even agreed. Racket ball is an interesting game. Benjamin Strayer and John Stream invited me to hang out with them. I felt like I was with Joe and Mike back at the Spa back home. We went to Braum's afterward and I just got a water. We stayed for about an hour, just talking, laughing, and enjoying the Friday night that I would've otherwise spent at home. I miss Aiden, I really do.

-Sarah K

Saturday August 12, 2000

I could've gone to the lake today, seen Brady and some other friends. But I didn't. I couldn't even move when I woke up. I exercised more than I should have yesterday.

Brady called and said he would like to see me. I'm not sure if it's sincere or what his intentions are though. But, I will soon find out. I decided to get ready just in case we do hang out. It's not that I even want to kiss him or anything. I just want a friend, and it seems there is something special about this boy.

*****I still haven't figured out what is so different about Brady. But tonight game me a little more insight on the subject.

He came and got me around 6:00. I think that he probably looks perfect no matter what. We saw What Lies Beneath, my third time. But of course I didn't tell him I had seen it. I just pretended, exactly like my last date with Jason King. We had a really good time and I feel so comfortable with him; I know that nothing bad will happen when i am with him.

He put his hand on my thigh and I reached for his hand. The chemistry I felt was so incredible. I've only felt like that with Trevor and Jacob, not even Aiden. Something happens when he touches me, and I don't think he has any idea. Everything tonight was amazing. He treats me so well. He makes me feel like a lady. Every time he'd move his finger over mine or when he'd look at me, I was overcome with a wonderfully strange emotion.

On the way home he asked if I wanted to go to the park we visited on our last date, over a month ago. We did and back tracked our steps from that night. We kind of stopped in the middle of the courtyard and he looked at me like he was going to kiss me. I laughed and looked away and started for the gate. "C'mon let's get out of here." I said, still laughing. "This place kind of creeps me out." I didn't know if I was ready to kiss him or not. We went towards the playground and we started talking. He faced towards me and wrapped his arms around me. He looked at me again and kind of just gazed into my eyes for a moment. He gave me the sweetest little kiss, and I let him. "Thank you" I said smiling. He kind of laughed and I said, "What, I can't say thank you when you kiss me?" "I don't mind." he whispered and drew me closer. We sat and stared at each other for a long moment. I think he was waiting for me to respond, say something, do something. So I leaned in and wow...it was definitely amazing. The emotion behind everything was insane. We lost track of time and by the time we left it was five minutes to midnight. He was inevitably going to be late.

Monday August 14, 2000

Today is Trevor's 18th birthday and I can't help but remember the memories and all the thoughts and time devoted to him. I believe a part of me while always love him. I fell in love with him so long ago. You never forget your first love or kiss; he was both. I cannot believe that I still miss him, after all this time.

-Sarah K

Tuesday August 15, 2000

I promised myself that I'd never look up her picture in the yearbook. What's the use anyway? She's been kissing my old boyfriend and it would just remind me of what I didn't have. So I did what any girl in this situation would do. I looked her up.

Boy was I sorry after that happened. She's two years older than him and the typical Brighton girl. Short, blonde, and absolutely gorgeous. I can't help but be a little jealous. She's the one holding him instead of me and that kills me.

I realize that I have a double standard. I kiss other guys and I don't exactly want him to kiss anyone else. Impossible, I know. I don't actually expect this, it just kind of hurts is all. I know it sounds so awful and wrong. But, part of me is still in love with the boy. I can't help it. I'm afraid she'll fall in love with his kiss, just like I did. I shouldn't jump to conclusions so quickly. I have no idea what's going on between them. But from what I hear from back home, it's something. I wish I could have him back. It seems like people here use me and that's all they want--my body, not me as a person. I think that could be one of the worst feelings in the world.

I want to love someone and be loved back. I want them to hold my hand just because they feel like it. And we can watch a movie---really watch it---and cuddle, and discuss themes and symbols and tear it apart. I want someone that I don't have to say goodbye to. Someone that I don't have to question if they love me back, cause I'll always know that they feel the same way about me. I want someone who will sit with me in silence if I feel like it. Someone will will know when to give me advice and when to shut up. Someone who knows me better than I know myself. Who will go out of their way to make me happy. Someone, anyone, who doesn't live 1200 miles away.

-Sarah K.