August 12-22, 2000

So this is it, the last day of summer and there's not one thing I can do about it. I'm more homesick today than I've been in a while. I miss my mountains, my school, my wonderful friends, my boyfriend. I think if he could hold me tonight, I could get through tomorrow without a worry.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll be insanely happy; as happy as I was back home. I can't help but miss it right to death. I didn't intend on getting sad and bawling my eyes out tonight. But, I don't even know what to expect out of school tomorrow. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I think that this is probably the only year that I'll be myself entirely on the first day. Those Union Redskins are getting the real deal, this is me...Sarah K. and that's it.

I've tried to find comfort in false things. Brady shoves everything back in my face and all the other guys in my life use me, walk away, anything they want. All I want is a friend. Someone like Kelly or Stephen, anyone that will like me for me and I don't have to change a thing.

Today Julie informed me that I wasn't taking any "popular" classes and that I wouldn't find any cute guys in them, just nerds. I tired to pretend I didn't care, but I'm so fragile right now. How could I not? And whoever heard of such a thing as a "jock lot"? That's where all the "popular" people park. Well, maybe I'm not like them. I don't need to fit in with that sort of group. I like my art, and creative writing classes, and drama. It made me sick that there were separate lots where people parked, depending on social status. I won't be a part of it.

I want to go home. I want to be with my mountains and my streets that I could drive with my eyes closed.

I guess I will always have my family but every once in a while you need something more to make you feel human. Sometimes I don't even feel alive here. In Salt Lake I was so alive, God how I was so alive, full of life and love. Those moments filled my soul. Now, I'm empty and lost. I'm so lost. Won't somebody help me? I need to pray.

-Sarah K

August 21, 2000 Monday

Well I'm not really sure what to say. I mean, what can I say exactly? I got an email from Julie tonight. I don't even know why I let it bother me. I shouldn't care about what she says. But, why did she have to keep reminding me that no one liked me? I already know that the girls in the stake hate me and I know about their opinions of the new girl who came into town and stole all of their dates. But that's not my fault. I already know what they think and that I'll have to live with their stares the rest of the year. I already know I don't have any friends. But when someone else says it, there's something beneath the words that can slice you in two.

She insisted that I stole Jason King and how hurt she was by it, and that I shouldn't hang out with her anymore. Two lousy dates. Seriously? She said how she couldn't be my friend and a bunch of other bull like that. It really hurt me. I feel so awful right now.

Why can't I live in Salt Lake with all of my old friends and my old life and my old house? It's so awful being so alone at school. Bad day for that email, Julie. I'm literally falling into pieces. I can't stop crying tonight.
-Sarah K.

August 22, 2000 Tuesday

Well, I'm doing okay today I think. Mom left for Houston with Dad later in the day. Dad was so sweet. He sent me flowers today. A huge vase filled with beautiful roses, daisies, and gorgeous little things blooming all over. The card said, "Guess who loves you, baby? -Dad". It was so sweet. I love my Dad. He kept calling to make sure I was okay and giving me advice, etc. I don't think he knows how much that meant to me. I told him; but I'm not sure if he really understands.

Anyway, last night before the whole email episode, I asked Brady to Senior Hoe Down. Krystin told me all the details at lunch. So that's kind of exciting I guess.

Mom was really nice to me today and so was Cory, Les, and Tom. It's nice to know I still have my family to fall back on. And I'm also glad to know the Savior is there when all the world is falling upon my shoulders--He'll carry me as far as I need Him to.

I guess it just shows what's important in life and what things are not.
-Sarah K