Monday July 9, 2000

I guess I kind of got to thinking about a few other things today.

I was caught up in this mess of selfisnesh and greed. It was almost as bad as someone who wants a lot of money, and they would do anything to get it. Gatsby is a perfect example. He damn near killed himself over Daisy. She was rich, with dirty money of all sorts and the poor guy did it all for her, who ended up betraying him in the end anyway. I always knew how stupid Gatsby was when it came to big things, like money or women. And he had the worst timing in the world on any given day. His victory and happiness was short lived in their affair; he even ends up dying. I guess you've got to feel a little sorry for the poor guy. At any rate, he mostly brought it on himself.

I'm a lot like Gatsby was. Except at first, I protected my hear the best way I knew how. Pretty soon though, Aiden opened me up inside and found my weaknesses. There'd be times when I was depressed as hell and wouldn't stop crying for hours. It wasn't that he did anything wrong, it's just that it was all too right. I was afraid of losing---him, or myself, or love--or whatever there is to be lost. I didn't want to be left empty-handed. And now I realize how foolish I was. I am technically still empty-handed, but I learned more from him than anyone could ever imagine. And yet now, I am baffled by all this is going on around me.
Do I still love Aiden? Even though Brady is kind of taking his place? Could I love two people at once? Have I truly ever loved anyone?

I am back to my regular world today. It seems as If I was in heaven for a moment, and like everything else, it too was ephemeral. Running errands in 105 degree heat is not my idea of a fun time. But I was thrown back to reality.

I talked to Aiden today and for some reason had a more difficult time saying I love you. But I do love him don't I? Maybe I am just confused. I don't think Brady will call for a few days. C'est La Vie.

always-
Sarah K