Thursday July 20, 2000

Quite the emotional overload today. Just when you think everything will be okay, it's then you know it's not.

Ashton called me today and I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do. I mean, I love him cause he's my best friend, but this is too much. He told me all the things I already knew. But, by him telling me . . . it made me relive it and rethink the awful things all over again. Ashton has been in love with me for a long time. I've known it, almost everyone did. He had a breakdown the other day and he said it was from all the suppressed feelings. He told everyone about the whole thing, even Aiden--one of his best friends--and finally me (but I knew all along). To tell the truth, I've always had feelings for him. But what was I supposed to do? He was one of my best friends, and Aiden's. It just doesn't work like that. The next best thing was friends and that is why we are so close. I just feel awful I couldn't do anything about it. I now understand why some people cannot take risks and let go of that person who is their safe place. Aiden was my safe-place, whether I admitted it or not. And I didn't fall in love with him right away. And who knows if what we call it is love. What ever it is, it takes time and patience, and working at it, and growing together. And even now after 9 months I'm more confused than ever. Do I love him just because I've been with him so long? And now we're so used to each other that maybe we think it's love? Or is this it? Or is Brady love? Is Ashton love? Or...what the hell is it?

I talked to Aiden for an hour today. It was so wonderful and it felt like I was back in Salt Lake all over again. Sarah and Aiden...same old thing. Always Sarah and Aiden...and now what? We're separate, we're apart, what does it all mean? I'm scared. I'm, I don't really know what I am. All of my guys are coming and I'm more afraid than I really would like to admit. I have a new life and mixing it with my old one might not be such a good idea.

I think all I really need is to sleep.

-Sarah K