August 28-Sep 6, 2000

August 28, 2000

Leaving at 5:40 a.m. sucks in case anyone ever wants to know. I can't believe I have to do this every day. I wonder if I'll be able to do it. Aiden called again today, but I wasn't sure why. I love him calling, but he sounded like he was doing it just for my sake or something and that he didn't care. He's a big college man now. Ah well, it's just college. That kid Aiden in my 6th period class(yeah, his name is seriously Aiden...ironic) is really offended by me just because I won't go out with him. I'm tired.

-Sarah K

August 29, 2000 Tuesday

Well, it's just another Tuesday. Nothing really particular happened at all. I helped Krystin ask this boy to the Senior Hoe Down. We couldn't find his house for almost an hour or more. I brought Brady some ice cream and a card, but I didn't get to see him. I guess he is still really sick from his surgery. Krystin brought out the house phone to me and Brady picked it up inside. He thanked me for everything. Sometimes I wonder about him

I saw a Utah license plate today and I almost got sick. I felt like I was back in Utah and all the license plates in the parking lot were wrong. It's kind of crazy how that happens.

-Sarah K

August 30, 2000

I'm on the bus riding home. I can't believe that it's only been a week ago that I kissed Brady. It seems like 2 years ago. He never calls or shows interest during the week and I hate that.

Aiden in my 6th period keeps asking me out and wondering why I won't go out with him. I really don't know why to tell you the truth. I just want to go home. I can't wait until Friday. Friday means sleeping in on Saturday. I hate this place. Won't someone let me come home? Anyone I could possibly miss, I miss them right now. I never knew I'd have to deal with so many emotions.

-Sarah K

August 31, 2000

I talked to Mandy today for almost an hour, and Aiden called from college too. I miss them so much it makes me sick. It still seems weird that I just left my life behind like that. I can't help but remember. And today I think it'll be okay if I cry. I want to go back to March or April, it was all perfect. I miss my life; I want it back. Damn this Oklahoma place.

-Sarah K

September 6, 2000

Well, I guess toeday didn't turn out as well as I had hoped. But I guess it never does anyway. Yeah, so I finally called him. And it hurt because I couldn't say anything to change his mind. I guess I'll see him at the football game and I'll see him at Senior Hoe Down, but that's it. The Stake President said he can't date anymore before his mission. So long cowboy, I guess we'll never really find out how this thing could have ended because he checked out early. No more cowboys, I'm done with this Oklahoma place. I've been let down too many times. NO more. I will not let myself get close to him any longer. Goodbye, cowboy.

p.s. We're going to Utah in three weeks.

-Sarah K

September 7, 2000

All I can seem to do today is think about that cowboy. I know, I already said so long, but it didn't exactly stick real well last night.

I drove past Brady this morning in the seminary parking lot. I parked a little ways away from him, and concentrated on the door. But he flashed his lights as I began walking in and I couldn't help myself from turning around. I seriously wondered how he could look so great, even at 5:30 in the morning. He got out of his car and was all smiles. We talked for a bit and I was kind of nervous. It reminded me of the time he stayed an hour after his church just to see me when I got there. He was sitting at the very back of the chapel and gave me the best smile. I could've talked to him for hours, but for some reason I felt like I was extremely rushed, like I had to hurry up and talk so I could leave. That's what it felt like this morning. I felt like something would happen if I didn't hurry up and say what I needed to and get out of there. I knew he wanted to hug me, but hugs are so personal, too personal for our situation if I plan on letting go. I can't tangle up my heart in this anymore. And as much as I would love to be with him and hold him and kiss him. I will do my very best to keep away from that. I cannot be involved like this. I can't.

It's Aiden's birthday today and I got an interesting email from him this morning. He says he has to talk to me, which means bad news. He claimed it was nothing bad and that he was merely curious. But, I swear that one day his curiosity will kill him. It's always gotten him into trouble. I don't want to spend his birthday talking about things that are trivial. I want it to be a time when I can talk to him without that.

-Sarah K