August 28-Sep 6, 2000

August 28, 2000

Leaving at 5:40 a.m. sucks in case anyone ever wants to know. I can't believe I have to do this every day. I wonder if I'll be able to do it. Aiden called again today, but I wasn't sure why. I love him calling, but he sounded like he was doing it just for my sake or something and that he didn't care. He's a big college man now. Ah well, it's just college. That kid Aiden in my 6th period class(yeah, his name is seriously Aiden...ironic) is really offended by me just because I won't go out with him. I'm tired.

-Sarah K

August 29, 2000 Tuesday

Well, it's just another Tuesday. Nothing really particular happened at all. I helped Krystin ask this boy to the Senior Hoe Down. We couldn't find his house for almost an hour or more. I brought Brady some ice cream and a card, but I didn't get to see him. I guess he is still really sick from his surgery. Krystin brought out the house phone to me and Brady picked it up inside. He thanked me for everything. Sometimes I wonder about him

I saw a Utah license plate today and I almost got sick. I felt like I was back in Utah and all the license plates in the parking lot were wrong. It's kind of crazy how that happens.

-Sarah K

August 30, 2000

I'm on the bus riding home. I can't believe that it's only been a week ago that I kissed Brady. It seems like 2 years ago. He never calls or shows interest during the week and I hate that.

Aiden in my 6th period keeps asking me out and wondering why I won't go out with him. I really don't know why to tell you the truth. I just want to go home. I can't wait until Friday. Friday means sleeping in on Saturday. I hate this place. Won't someone let me come home? Anyone I could possibly miss, I miss them right now. I never knew I'd have to deal with so many emotions.

-Sarah K

August 31, 2000

I talked to Mandy today for almost an hour, and Aiden called from college too. I miss them so much it makes me sick. It still seems weird that I just left my life behind like that. I can't help but remember. And today I think it'll be okay if I cry. I want to go back to March or April, it was all perfect. I miss my life; I want it back. Damn this Oklahoma place.

-Sarah K

September 6, 2000

Well, I guess toeday didn't turn out as well as I had hoped. But I guess it never does anyway. Yeah, so I finally called him. And it hurt because I couldn't say anything to change his mind. I guess I'll see him at the football game and I'll see him at Senior Hoe Down, but that's it. The Stake President said he can't date anymore before his mission. So long cowboy, I guess we'll never really find out how this thing could have ended because he checked out early. No more cowboys, I'm done with this Oklahoma place. I've been let down too many times. NO more. I will not let myself get close to him any longer. Goodbye, cowboy.

p.s. We're going to Utah in three weeks.

-Sarah K

September 7, 2000

All I can seem to do today is think about that cowboy. I know, I already said so long, but it didn't exactly stick real well last night.

I drove past Brady this morning in the seminary parking lot. I parked a little ways away from him, and concentrated on the door. But he flashed his lights as I began walking in and I couldn't help myself from turning around. I seriously wondered how he could look so great, even at 5:30 in the morning. He got out of his car and was all smiles. We talked for a bit and I was kind of nervous. It reminded me of the time he stayed an hour after his church just to see me when I got there. He was sitting at the very back of the chapel and gave me the best smile. I could've talked to him for hours, but for some reason I felt like I was extremely rushed, like I had to hurry up and talk so I could leave. That's what it felt like this morning. I felt like something would happen if I didn't hurry up and say what I needed to and get out of there. I knew he wanted to hug me, but hugs are so personal, too personal for our situation if I plan on letting go. I can't tangle up my heart in this anymore. And as much as I would love to be with him and hold him and kiss him. I will do my very best to keep away from that. I cannot be involved like this. I can't.

It's Aiden's birthday today and I got an interesting email from him this morning. He says he has to talk to me, which means bad news. He claimed it was nothing bad and that he was merely curious. But, I swear that one day his curiosity will kill him. It's always gotten him into trouble. I don't want to spend his birthday talking about things that are trivial. I want it to be a time when I can talk to him without that.

-Sarah K

August 12-22, 2000

So this is it, the last day of summer and there's not one thing I can do about it. I'm more homesick today than I've been in a while. I miss my mountains, my school, my wonderful friends, my boyfriend. I think if he could hold me tonight, I could get through tomorrow without a worry.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll be insanely happy; as happy as I was back home. I can't help but miss it right to death. I didn't intend on getting sad and bawling my eyes out tonight. But, I don't even know what to expect out of school tomorrow. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I think that this is probably the only year that I'll be myself entirely on the first day. Those Union Redskins are getting the real deal, this is me...Sarah K. and that's it.

I've tried to find comfort in false things. Brady shoves everything back in my face and all the other guys in my life use me, walk away, anything they want. All I want is a friend. Someone like Kelly or Stephen, anyone that will like me for me and I don't have to change a thing.

Today Julie informed me that I wasn't taking any "popular" classes and that I wouldn't find any cute guys in them, just nerds. I tired to pretend I didn't care, but I'm so fragile right now. How could I not? And whoever heard of such a thing as a "jock lot"? That's where all the "popular" people park. Well, maybe I'm not like them. I don't need to fit in with that sort of group. I like my art, and creative writing classes, and drama. It made me sick that there were separate lots where people parked, depending on social status. I won't be a part of it.

I want to go home. I want to be with my mountains and my streets that I could drive with my eyes closed.

I guess I will always have my family but every once in a while you need something more to make you feel human. Sometimes I don't even feel alive here. In Salt Lake I was so alive, God how I was so alive, full of life and love. Those moments filled my soul. Now, I'm empty and lost. I'm so lost. Won't somebody help me? I need to pray.

-Sarah K

August 21, 2000 Monday

Well I'm not really sure what to say. I mean, what can I say exactly? I got an email from Julie tonight. I don't even know why I let it bother me. I shouldn't care about what she says. But, why did she have to keep reminding me that no one liked me? I already know that the girls in the stake hate me and I know about their opinions of the new girl who came into town and stole all of their dates. But that's not my fault. I already know what they think and that I'll have to live with their stares the rest of the year. I already know I don't have any friends. But when someone else says it, there's something beneath the words that can slice you in two.

She insisted that I stole Jason King and how hurt she was by it, and that I shouldn't hang out with her anymore. Two lousy dates. Seriously? She said how she couldn't be my friend and a bunch of other bull like that. It really hurt me. I feel so awful right now.

Why can't I live in Salt Lake with all of my old friends and my old life and my old house? It's so awful being so alone at school. Bad day for that email, Julie. I'm literally falling into pieces. I can't stop crying tonight.
-Sarah K.

August 22, 2000 Tuesday

Well, I'm doing okay today I think. Mom left for Houston with Dad later in the day. Dad was so sweet. He sent me flowers today. A huge vase filled with beautiful roses, daisies, and gorgeous little things blooming all over. The card said, "Guess who loves you, baby? -Dad". It was so sweet. I love my Dad. He kept calling to make sure I was okay and giving me advice, etc. I don't think he knows how much that meant to me. I told him; but I'm not sure if he really understands.

Anyway, last night before the whole email episode, I asked Brady to Senior Hoe Down. Krystin told me all the details at lunch. So that's kind of exciting I guess.

Mom was really nice to me today and so was Cory, Les, and Tom. It's nice to know I still have my family to fall back on. And I'm also glad to know the Savior is there when all the world is falling upon my shoulders--He'll carry me as far as I need Him to.

I guess it just shows what's important in life and what things are not.
-Sarah K

August 11-15, 2000

August 11, 2000 Friday

This strange and peculiar day wasn't so unpleasant. Quite interesting in fact. I had these dreams last night and I can remember the details so clearly now. I got them piece by piece during the day. I slept from 2-4 a.m. and I lied awake until 7:00. It was dreadful. I was exhausted and sleep did not seem permissible.

I called Brady at work around 12:30. Of course I sat in front of the phone for almost 20 minutes, practically killing myself over a silly little phone call. I kept dialing 6 #'s and I just could not bring myself to dial the 7th. Somehow, though, I did dial it, and I spoke to him after all. I do not understand why I am so determined to speak with him. I feel so estranged from him and it's as if we are mere acquaintances--not even friends. I hate that. He will call tomorrow and I'm not even sure exactly what it is I have to tell him, or why it is so urgent for that matter.

Aiden, my dear, sweet Aiden. We talked for almost 2 hours today. I could've gone on for a hundred more. Ah, love, sweet, but so painful. I sound crazy, and perhaps I am a little bit. But that changes nothing. I love Aiden, I do love him. But I believe that there are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. I cannot decipher which type of love I feel for Aiden, because I do not know all the types one can experience. But, I am certain that it's love, at least some form of it.

I didn't ignore any guy's phone calls this weekend like I usually do. I answered and even agreed. Racket ball is an interesting game. Benjamin Strayer and John Stream invited me to hang out with them. I felt like I was with Joe and Mike back at the Spa back home. We went to Braum's afterward and I just got a water. We stayed for about an hour, just talking, laughing, and enjoying the Friday night that I would've otherwise spent at home. I miss Aiden, I really do.

-Sarah K

Saturday August 12, 2000

I could've gone to the lake today, seen Brady and some other friends. But I didn't. I couldn't even move when I woke up. I exercised more than I should have yesterday.

Brady called and said he would like to see me. I'm not sure if it's sincere or what his intentions are though. But, I will soon find out. I decided to get ready just in case we do hang out. It's not that I even want to kiss him or anything. I just want a friend, and it seems there is something special about this boy.

*****I still haven't figured out what is so different about Brady. But tonight game me a little more insight on the subject.

He came and got me around 6:00. I think that he probably looks perfect no matter what. We saw What Lies Beneath, my third time. But of course I didn't tell him I had seen it. I just pretended, exactly like my last date with Jason King. We had a really good time and I feel so comfortable with him; I know that nothing bad will happen when i am with him.

He put his hand on my thigh and I reached for his hand. The chemistry I felt was so incredible. I've only felt like that with Trevor and Jacob, not even Aiden. Something happens when he touches me, and I don't think he has any idea. Everything tonight was amazing. He treats me so well. He makes me feel like a lady. Every time he'd move his finger over mine or when he'd look at me, I was overcome with a wonderfully strange emotion.

On the way home he asked if I wanted to go to the park we visited on our last date, over a month ago. We did and back tracked our steps from that night. We kind of stopped in the middle of the courtyard and he looked at me like he was going to kiss me. I laughed and looked away and started for the gate. "C'mon let's get out of here." I said, still laughing. "This place kind of creeps me out." I didn't know if I was ready to kiss him or not. We went towards the playground and we started talking. He faced towards me and wrapped his arms around me. He looked at me again and kind of just gazed into my eyes for a moment. He gave me the sweetest little kiss, and I let him. "Thank you" I said smiling. He kind of laughed and I said, "What, I can't say thank you when you kiss me?" "I don't mind." he whispered and drew me closer. We sat and stared at each other for a long moment. I think he was waiting for me to respond, say something, do something. So I leaned in and wow...it was definitely amazing. The emotion behind everything was insane. We lost track of time and by the time we left it was five minutes to midnight. He was inevitably going to be late.

Monday August 14, 2000

Today is Trevor's 18th birthday and I can't help but remember the memories and all the thoughts and time devoted to him. I believe a part of me while always love him. I fell in love with him so long ago. You never forget your first love or kiss; he was both. I cannot believe that I still miss him, after all this time.

-Sarah K

Tuesday August 15, 2000

I promised myself that I'd never look up her picture in the yearbook. What's the use anyway? She's been kissing my old boyfriend and it would just remind me of what I didn't have. So I did what any girl in this situation would do. I looked her up.

Boy was I sorry after that happened. She's two years older than him and the typical Brighton girl. Short, blonde, and absolutely gorgeous. I can't help but be a little jealous. She's the one holding him instead of me and that kills me.

I realize that I have a double standard. I kiss other guys and I don't exactly want him to kiss anyone else. Impossible, I know. I don't actually expect this, it just kind of hurts is all. I know it sounds so awful and wrong. But, part of me is still in love with the boy. I can't help it. I'm afraid she'll fall in love with his kiss, just like I did. I shouldn't jump to conclusions so quickly. I have no idea what's going on between them. But from what I hear from back home, it's something. I wish I could have him back. It seems like people here use me and that's all they want--my body, not me as a person. I think that could be one of the worst feelings in the world.

I want to love someone and be loved back. I want them to hold my hand just because they feel like it. And we can watch a movie---really watch it---and cuddle, and discuss themes and symbols and tear it apart. I want someone that I don't have to say goodbye to. Someone that I don't have to question if they love me back, cause I'll always know that they feel the same way about me. I want someone who will sit with me in silence if I feel like it. Someone will will know when to give me advice and when to shut up. Someone who knows me better than I know myself. Who will go out of their way to make me happy. Someone, anyone, who doesn't live 1200 miles away.

-Sarah K.

Tuesday August 8-10, 2000

Note to self: Never attend business dinners and or parties with Dad's work or the people he works with. I don't even understand how they have so much to say. But, then again, who wouldn't loosen up after a couple of beers? Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to try it. I know I will probably never do it, but I just can't help but wonder. Life's got to have a little mystery I suppose. I guess it's probably nice when you can dull the emotion a bit. It's not so bad when you can take the edge off of it.

Out of the blue, he calls and ruins everything. My mind was set on how much I despised men. But I guess it's just like him to go ruining all my plans. I suddenly remembered all the reasons why I fell in love with him. Seeing him every few months wouldn't be so bad, but it's a lot more wear and tear on my poor heart. Maybe I'll learn to be strong, maybe one day, but not today. For now, I think it's okay that someone else is the strong one. Soon enough I'll be back to fill my old shoes.

-Sarah K


August 10, 2000

There comes a point where words are impossible to find, but they aren't necessary anyway. And that just may be the thing that saves you.

The thought of a kind of love like that, makes me wonder if such a thing really exists. Snow Falling on Cedars is perhaps one of the most passionate and extraordinary films I have seen in a while. Something in it connected with me. Something about the way he loved her made me wonder. It made me wonder if I'll ever find that intensity, that love, or passion with someone. I think I might have a few times, but only a taste. Because everyone I have ever loved I've had to leave or they did. Maybe that's what it's all about. It's like you hope that it really exists, not just in the movies.

"I think that if you'd just let me hold you, just that, then I could walk away for the rest of my life and never look back." And she will not let him. But after all is said and done, the snow falling, she calls out to him. "Can I hold you now?" And in the middle of the cold air, outside the court room, they hold each other for the last time. And they walk away. Both knowing that they experienced something and they will never be the same for the rest of their lives. I want that. I want to love so much that it hurts. So much that I couldn't imagine my life without him. And he will hold me as long as I want him to and will never let go first. I want that.

I thought of Aiden, the way we held each other through tears. How he sobbed against my chest and clutched the back of my shirt between his fingers, and neither of us felt like living. And the only thing shining that night was the moon, no stars. I think the moon was sad then.

I thought of Jacob. Riding up to Brighton, staring at the sky as the snow fell on our heads, laughing then silently crying in the back seat, knowing we could not be together. He wiped my tears away and I saw the tears falling from his own eyes and I had to look away.

I thought of Trevor. We were so young, but just as much in love. We believed in fairy tales and happy endings. And each night we'd lie awake in each other's arms, not really minding the cold, not really feeling it. And the bitter wind blew away our tears of every last night together, not knowing if it'd be another long year until our next meeting. But he held me until we heard the birds and I had to leave.

Registering for school felt like a dream, an incredible dream. There was Brady and there was me. I couldn't help but look at his lips every time he spoke. I had kissed those lips, I had. And now what do I get in return for a moment of passion? Un-returned phone calls? A painful glance? A cold shoulder? Sad eyes, sad with apology? Chills every time we accidentally touched? The special night whisked away and forgotten like a summer breeze? Maybe I don't want to love anymore. Maybe I've loved too much already in one lifetime. And why is there so much pain? Just because I loved...

-Sarah K

July 30- August 1, 2000

It's Monday...I stayed up until 5 a.m. watching Aiden sleep. I sat there knowing that he would be gone in a matter of hours and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. He was breathing in and out like I'd seen him do a million times, and I wanted to tell him all over again how I felt. every time I would move, his hand would run across my back or my face out of habit. I went into my room at 5:00 and the next thing I remember is Aiden waking me up with a kiss.

Monday-
Saying goodbye three times in one summer might as well just kill me. As I was with my best friends and my boyfriend one last time, I felt every emotion in the world.

The breakfast table was completely silent this morning. I thought if I kept spinning around in the chair, then I wouldn't cry. But, figuratively or literally we all have to stop spinning and face reality. I played our song before they left. Aiden just sat next to me holding my hand and even trembling a little.

"The last time we heard this song we were bawling." he said

We held on to time as long as possible and I said goodbye to my old life again, for good. I blew them a kiss and didn't even wait for them to drive away in that little maroon car. I couldn't. I disappeared around the corner and started crying. I miss them all so much. I need sleep.
-Sarah K

Tuesday August 1, 2000

I am glad that today is my sister's birthday and not mine. I wanted to be alone to think or cry or do whatever it was I felt like doing. My parents left and I've been in my room for a large portion of the day. I've never touched a guitar in my life and I learned Aiden's and my song. I also wrote one. I played the guitar, listened to music, wrote letters, and thought about people.

When I called Aiden he didn't seem too happy to talk to me. And didn't even say I love you for one reason or another. Which I get. Crying is easy sometimes. Especially today. I can't think. Maybe I'll write later when my thoughts are either apparent or organized.

All alone and cold again
I see it start to change
The night is getting darker
and nothing feels the same

These clouded eyes, and crowded streets
why can't I feel alive?
Walked away and fell apart
Can I give it one more try

And maybe there will never be
a place just like before
but you were always here with me
and I want nothing more

At seventeen we found a dream
and sealed it to the moon
But now the night is fading
Oh can I see you soon

I lost myself inside of you
I never meant to cry
Oh why can't I be lost again
Just like that summer night

And maybe there will never be
A place just like before
But you were always loving me
And I want nothing more

-Sarah K

Saturday July 29, 2000

It is so great to have all my friends here with me. Even though we do the same things every day, I will miss them incredibly. I miss Kelly so much already.

Things here have been crazy. Every night Aiden walks me to my bedroom and stays for a while. He's so incredible. Aiden and I talked for two hours about us today. It all started during the movie. He leaned over and kissed me.
"I love you, baby. Do you know that?"
"Sometimes" I whispered. The movie ended and Stephen and Ashton were in the kitchen.
"So why do you only sometimes know it?" he asked.
"I don't know. It just seems like you say it or I just don't believe you when you say it."
We were both on the verge of tears and I wanted nothing more than to cry right there in his arms. But I didn't.
"Aiden, we live completely separate lives now. It's hard to know it all the time." He looked at me and his eyes got so soft.
"Sarah, do you honestly think I could stop loving you?"I looked at him and didn't know the answer. "Nothing you could ever do or say would change that. I love you." He said.
Instead of crying I kissed him and said I would love him, some part of me, no matter what.
"Where do we go from here? Where do we go?" I asked.
"I don't know, but I do know that I love you."

He just held me close and we talked about the future and reminisced about the past. It just felt so right to be there in his arms.

But it's not always going to be that way.

-Sarah K

Friday July 28, 2000

Today was fine, I just don't know what to think about anything. We dropped Kelly off at the airport and when they called her to board, my heart actually hurt. My Kelly, gone. She seriously is one of the most important people in my life. And as she got on the plane, I held my head high. I didn't cry, although I wanted to. We had such a wonderful time this week together. I actually think it brought us closer than we have ever been in our entire years of friendship. And as I write these words, for some reason, I can't stop crying. I guess it was about time.

I went to Julie's party tonight. Jason, Brett, Brandon Stirling, Benjamin Strayer (who asked me out a few weeks ago), Brady (who hasn't called me since that kiss on the sports car), and John Stream (who asked me out after the dance at youth conference) were all there.

I was upset at Brady who hasn't called in so long and told me he would. He acted really nice and went out of his way for me. But I was a jerk. Well I just didn't give him as much attention as he wanted. Brett started talking to me and we ended up talking for over an hour. Everyone thought something was going on, but it turns out he is cousins with one of my best friends from back home. We had the most amazing conversation ever and it was nothing more than that. There is nothing there. I don't plan on Brady or Jason calling me ever again. Once again, I always screw things up.

-Sarah K

Thursday July 27, 2000

I don't exactly know how to explain the way I'm feeling right now. It's actually Friday. I didn't go to bed until 4:30 Wednesday night and I had the most incredible conversation with Aiden. We stood in the hall for almost an hour, talking about everything from Ashton to our first date. It was me who asked him out to Morp. I wanted to cry and tell him I was scared and that after these next few days it wasn't going to be me and him anymore. "It's impossible, Sarah. We can't have a long distance relationship." And as much as I realize that, I wish it didn't have to be like this. He just held me close and I didn't cry.

On Thursday we went to the mall out to dinner with my family and watched two movies.

Ashton and I talked for a long time out by the street lamp. It was so hot outside and it must've made things worse. We both wanted to cry and so we did. I don't think there will be any awkwardness between us anymore. That is one thing I'm glad for.

Amber and Mike wrote me the two most beautiful letters ever. I get letters from people a lot, it makes me feel appreciated you know? And missed.

We didn't really do much today, but it was fine. Aiden was tucking me in my bed and he started kissing me, a lot, and doing things I didn't want him to do. I didn't like it so I stopped him. He kept apologizing and I felt like he'd taken advantage of me and the whole situation. I went to bed questioning a lot of things. I talked to Kelly about it and we decided that guys...they just suck.

I was also thinking that I know exactly what love is, or what it is supposed to be. The problem: I don't think he has a clue. One day he'll figure it all out and realize how foolish he was. But for now, he doesn't even know. He says it with his lips, but sometimes I wonder if his heart is actually believing what he is saying.

-Sarah K.

Wednesday July 26, 2000

I haven't had an appetite for a while now. Maybe it's because of all the stuff that's going on. I really wish that food was appealing to me, but unfortunately it's not at the moment.

I'm just not sure how to fix something like that, and then again maybe it'll fix itself. That's what I'm praying for anyhow.

The guys finally got here today. They are my best friends in the world. It made me incredibly happy to have some of my old life back in my new one. I'm so scared though, I can't even breathe correctly anymore. I don't know if I can handle all of the things that are about to unfold in the next couple of days. It seems I shouldn't have to, but it's inevitable.

There's an awkward feeling in the air and I'm not sure what to do.
-Sarah K

Tuesday July 25, 2000

While everyone in Oklahoma is sleeping...here's me, writing away in my little red book.

Well, Julie called and I talked to her about everything I could. I basically told her what she needed to hear and that's it. I've learned how to get the whole thing down. She was kind of weird about everything, but who wouldn't be ya know?

When they got here, nothing mattered anymore. They---being Jason and his buddy Brett. They asked Kelly and I out for today. We went to the mall, stopped at a few other places, and then went to dinner at Zio's--this Italian restaurant just off of 71st. Up to this point I was more than a little skeptical of his intentions. I mean what was I supposed to think? But when we got to the pool hall, things started getting a lot better. He put his arm around me and started getting really friendly. The thing is, I didn't care. I just let him. I wanted to forget about everything. His smile is really incredible and when he looks at me, he doesn't look away first. There's just something about that. On the way to the park, Jason reached for my hand and held it all the way there. The park was beautiful with white bridges and gates, gardens with millions of flowers, swans and ducks floating across a giant pond. Definitely the perfect spot. Brett and Kelly sat in the gazebo by the pond and Jason just grabbed my hand and led me to some other bench swing. We were talking and it seemed like every word was just getting in the way of a potentially incredible kiss. We walked over to the bridge and talked a while, as the sun began slipping away. I was leaning against the bridge with my back and Jake was moving closer to me with every word. I knew that if I stopped in the middle of what I was saying, I'd either forget or he'd kiss me. So I ended the sentence short and he stared at me with those mesmerizing icy blue eyes. He moved in closer and stopped when he was about an inch away from my lips. He smiled and slowly began kissing me (an intense combination that I wouldn't mind reliving all over again). He pulled away slowly, leaving me breathless. I couldn't think straight and I guess it didn't matter because the silence was nice for once. I didn't have to think about anything. After a few words we began kissing again. More incredible than I had imagined it could be. We had these moments on the bridge, with the jogger running past, the little kids watching still giggling as they ran around the grass. The fireflies all around us, surroun ding the moment and accepting it for what it was. It kind of hurt to think that this was nothing more than a summer fling. But I pushed that to the back of my mind and concentrated on...well...nothing. The night was amazing and made me forget for an evening that I was actually living in Oklahoma. The sunset would've probably been a lot better had we actually watched all of it.

Kelly and Brett were off somewhere, most likely back at the gazebo. So we decided to go find them. The park was now almost entirely dark, except for the fireflies that would bring light for a few moments then disappear. We found them cuddling on the bench swing and decided to walk back to the car. Jason and I were ahead slightly, but we had a notion they weren't exactly following. We turned to find them kissing back by the fountain in the pond. Jason ran back and got the keys and we walked to the car alone. The black Ex-terra was a whole new experience for me. And when we climbed into the back seat it was a little too silent.

"So we're in the back seat of Brett's car. Uh, whaddya wanna do?" He got this real boyish grin on his face after he said that and moved closer to me. I just laughed and he looked at me for a long moment. Pretty soon we were kissing and then suddenly I found myself making out with Jason. While we were making the difficult transition of moving around I said to him, "I've never made out in the back of an Ex-terra before." He made this cute little sigh and laughed and said, "Me neither." Although I truly find that hard to believe. So, Mr Harvard and I (that's where he's going to college) made out in the back of Brett's Ex-terra. It was simply amazing. I don't know how else to put it. My troubles and problems seemed minute and nothing really mattered. We watched a movie at my house and then I walked him out to the car. I told him everything I was thinking. Kind of about Julie and how I don't want him to worry about me telling people. I also told him I understood if he never called again, because things like this can get extremely complicated. My life is complicated enough as it is. It'd be nice if he called again, but reality tells me that he won't.

-Sarah K

Monday July 24, 2000

I haven't gone to bed earlier than 2 a.m. in over a week. I guess I can finally understand. Too many things happened today and I got more information than I could deal with.

So I received this email from Stephen this morning. He sounded way too urgent and I noticed that he had written it at 2:00 in the morning. No one wants to get an email like that. He talked about the whole Aiden/Ashton/Sarah triangle and how Ashton is in love with me. Stephen told me they are both hurting badly from this whole thing. How do I manage to get myself into these crazy messes so easily? Aiden is planning to ask me if I ever had feelings for Ashton. "And you're going to lie" Stephen wrote. Of course I have to lie, I'm not completely stupid. I did have feelings for him, I mean when Aiden left for Europe we were together all day every day until I moved to the damn midwest. Well, Stephen was there, he can attest to what happened. But no one needs to know that, especially not Aiden. He already has so much self-loathing and self-pity over everything, which is not an understatement.

So this email tells me all the juicy gossip going down with Ashton and Aiden. Someone is going to inevitably get hurt and that someone is more than likely Ashton. There's really not a better option here. I lie to Aiden and that's the end of it. I'm really worried about Ashton, though. I hope he is going to be able to handle it. After the incredibly dramatic email from Stephen I am obviously freaking out. Luckily Kelly is in town and is helping me hold it all together. I don't know what I'd do without her. I am so lucky to have her as a friend. After a trip to Olive Garden and the mall, I felt a little better, but not much. I just hate myself for always screwing up and getting into these impossible situations.

There was a thre page typed letter from Dave waiting on the kitchen table when I got home. He isn't coming out here, but he filled me in on everything else that Stephen didn't. To make matters worse, Stephen and Dave both talked about how life wasn't the same without me there and how Aiden was a completely different person now. They said everything has fallen apart since I left. It made me want to cry and get angry all at the same time. I knew I held the group together when I was there, at home. I knew I did that more than anyone , but I got so angry that they let everything fall apart. I just can't fix everything.

In Dave's letter he tried to explain Ashton a little bit.. He said that he was attaching himself to anyone and everyone he could, including McKayla. That's what really got me. Her of all people. I really couldn't believe it. The words of disgust I feel for her, there just aren't words strong enough. The back-stabbing ex of my Aiden, the one who spread rumors about me and trampled over whoever she could to try and get Aiden back. It's really unbelievable. Dave hates her worse than anyone.

Anyhow, I didn't think my day could get worse. But I'm always wrong about that sort of thing.

I called Brandon Stirling tonight and we talked for a little while. I just wanted to forget about it all. We met a while ago at a dance and we're both new, we have a lot of things in common and I thought it would be fun to hang out with someone new. Between the time I hung up the phone with him (promising to call after Kelly and I took our second trip to the mall) and walking towards the door to leave---Jason King called. Jason King with the incredible smile, Jason with the nice red sports car, Jason with the amazing body and tan skin, Jason that I danced with at Youth Conference. Jason that was friends with Brandon Stirling, Jason King that my only friend in this town (Julie) is in love with. No way he asked me out, but he did. Wow, the day just couldn't get any more complicated. I wasn't going to ditch Kelly and Brandon though, so they came along and went on a date together. Jason's friend Brett came with a date also. His date happened to be Julie's best friend, Kate. The same Kate who hates me, the same Kate that might tell Julie everything. I just don't really know what's going to happen. I don't need anymore people against me. I am just starting to make friends in this town.

During the movie I was sitting between Brandon and Jason. Perfect right? I couldn't feel more awkward. Jason held my hand and I let him. I mean, he's cute and I had a lot on my mind...I just wanted to forget everything. He put his arm around me and we cuddled a bit during the movie. Now what the hell am I supposed to do? Julie told me about their date a week ago and how he was holding her hand for the last ten minutes of the movie and kissed her on the cheek. She is so in love with him, but he's kind of...well...a player if you will. He dates a lot of girls, and boy I can see why. He just doesn't take that kind of stuff seriously, and I wouldn't have cared otherwise, but Julie really likes him. I felt awful tonight. All these emotional hang-ups that I've had, and things are so rough right now. I also felt bad because of Brandon. We were supposed to hang out earlier and I sort of just threw this date thing on him. I can't help but wonder what he was thinking the entire night. He eluded to the fact that he liked me, but I had a boyfriend. I straightened that out and he made comments all night long that told me he liked me.

We went on a walk (the four of us) and watched the fireflies. When we got to my house Jason kept holding my hand and putting his arm around me. I didn't know what to do. The day was already a complete disaster, and so stressful. I was just too weak to do anything. At that moment I didn't really care. we said goodbye to them and Jake hugged me for a long time again. He was going to kiss me, but I turned and he got my cheek. I hated that I had to turn--but I felt like I had to. Too many complications. I was definitely attracted to him, but things are so screwed up right now. I couldn't do anything about it because of...well...everything I'm going through. Then I thought about Brady. I can't help but wonder why he hasn't called me. We had this amazing kiss underneath the apple tree, against the red convertible, the moon was full, everything was perfect. He went out of town, and I heard he's back, but I've heard nothing from him.

Here I am again, stuck in another web of troubles. I don't even know how it happens so fast.

I really think I am going to stop dating boys altogether if you really want to hear about it. I'm so sick and tired of all the drama. I'm fed up with their stupid moves and confusion they seem to cause more often than not.

Why can't they just leave me alone? Ah, what's a girl to do? I don't even know anymore. I'm tired, it's almost 3 a.m.

Thursday July 20, 2000

Quite the emotional overload today. Just when you think everything will be okay, it's then you know it's not.

Ashton called me today and I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do. I mean, I love him cause he's my best friend, but this is too much. He told me all the things I already knew. But, by him telling me . . . it made me relive it and rethink the awful things all over again. Ashton has been in love with me for a long time. I've known it, almost everyone did. He had a breakdown the other day and he said it was from all the suppressed feelings. He told everyone about the whole thing, even Aiden--one of his best friends--and finally me (but I knew all along). To tell the truth, I've always had feelings for him. But what was I supposed to do? He was one of my best friends, and Aiden's. It just doesn't work like that. The next best thing was friends and that is why we are so close. I just feel awful I couldn't do anything about it. I now understand why some people cannot take risks and let go of that person who is their safe place. Aiden was my safe-place, whether I admitted it or not. And I didn't fall in love with him right away. And who knows if what we call it is love. What ever it is, it takes time and patience, and working at it, and growing together. And even now after 9 months I'm more confused than ever. Do I love him just because I've been with him so long? And now we're so used to each other that maybe we think it's love? Or is this it? Or is Brady love? Is Ashton love? Or...what the hell is it?

I talked to Aiden for an hour today. It was so wonderful and it felt like I was back in Salt Lake all over again. Sarah and Aiden...same old thing. Always Sarah and Aiden...and now what? We're separate, we're apart, what does it all mean? I'm scared. I'm, I don't really know what I am. All of my guys are coming and I'm more afraid than I really would like to admit. I have a new life and mixing it with my old one might not be such a good idea.

I think all I really need is to sleep.

-Sarah K

Tuesday July 18, 2000

I am alone and it feels like silence. Even though the TC is pounding in the living room and my stereo is playing familiar music, it feels quiet.

Today I missed people back home more than any of the days so far. Is it strange to crave the presence of someone? I am so scared of falling in love. Am I even in love with Aiden anymore? I swear I meant I love you all the times I said it. I don't know if it can be true anymore. How could it be possible for him to even love me after all this time? I guess maybe it's not possible.

I have to admit, I miss him incredibly. I don't think words can portray my feels correctly. No words could do it justice.

I would give anything in the world to be with him, but at the same time I'd give anything not to be with him.

The emotions are much too tough to handle. I can't put myself through it again.

-Sarah K

Monday July 17, 2000

Sometimes I think I'd rather dream than live. Not that living is so bad. But it seems as if dreaming could be a whole lot easier. All I really want to do is write, and I can't even seem to do that lately. In fact, I don't even think I know what I want. I go through each day living the same life and doing the same things. I never really know what I want, so I just play the role that's placed in front of me. Even if sometimes it's the part that I don't want.

I can tell from Aiden's last email that he's drifting apart. And who wouldn't when they're 1200 miles away? I don't blame him, he can tell there's something terribly different with me. And there is. I'm changed. I really am. But I guess it's all the little things that really add up. I want Aiden and the guys to come visit so badly, but I almost think it'll be harder with them here. My best friends in the world--I've left them behind and emotionally detached myself from everything, but now I have to go back to it again. It seems like I can never get on with my life. Mixing the past and the present is so scary. I wish I could be mature and grown up about the whole thing and make a damn decision to whether or not I want them here. But it's not that simple. Then again, maybe it is.

I guess that's enough for tonight. I am going to try and write something.

-Sarah K

Monday July 9, 2000

I guess I kind of got to thinking about a few other things today.

I was caught up in this mess of selfisnesh and greed. It was almost as bad as someone who wants a lot of money, and they would do anything to get it. Gatsby is a perfect example. He damn near killed himself over Daisy. She was rich, with dirty money of all sorts and the poor guy did it all for her, who ended up betraying him in the end anyway. I always knew how stupid Gatsby was when it came to big things, like money or women. And he had the worst timing in the world on any given day. His victory and happiness was short lived in their affair; he even ends up dying. I guess you've got to feel a little sorry for the poor guy. At any rate, he mostly brought it on himself.

I'm a lot like Gatsby was. Except at first, I protected my hear the best way I knew how. Pretty soon though, Aiden opened me up inside and found my weaknesses. There'd be times when I was depressed as hell and wouldn't stop crying for hours. It wasn't that he did anything wrong, it's just that it was all too right. I was afraid of losing---him, or myself, or love--or whatever there is to be lost. I didn't want to be left empty-handed. And now I realize how foolish I was. I am technically still empty-handed, but I learned more from him than anyone could ever imagine. And yet now, I am baffled by all this is going on around me.
Do I still love Aiden? Even though Brady is kind of taking his place? Could I love two people at once? Have I truly ever loved anyone?

I am back to my regular world today. It seems as If I was in heaven for a moment, and like everything else, it too was ephemeral. Running errands in 105 degree heat is not my idea of a fun time. But I was thrown back to reality.

I talked to Aiden today and for some reason had a more difficult time saying I love you. But I do love him don't I? Maybe I am just confused. I don't think Brady will call for a few days. C'est La Vie.

always-
Sarah K

Saturday July 8, 2000

I thought today would be like any other day in Tulsa. running errands in the 100 degree weather, watching TV with the fam, then going to bed early, like usual. When I woke up this morning I just hoped it would be different.

So, there we were, me and the 'rents, running all around town. Getting this part or that cord, these speakers and those wires, the same routine. We stopped athome to drop dad off and some of the stuff. I was depressed as hell thinking about what I'd be doing if I were in Salt Lake. I was waiting in the car when mom ran outside and said, "Brady called!" My first impression was that she had to be lying or kidding around. I kind of just sat there in disbelief for a few moments. It didn't register immediately.
"C'mon!" she screamed, turning off the car. "Go call him!"
I ran inside and dialed his number, the one I had memorized weeks ago---inspite of everything still going on with Aiden. There was small talk, a few laughs, and he asked me out again. He is coming to get me at 7:00, it's almost 6:00 now. I finally get to talk to someone again. My family's a ball and everything, but it's torture. 15 is a whole different world from 17, and 40 and 44 aren't any closer. I'm a little nervous about the whole thing, though. I almost feel as if I'm hurting Aiden in a way. I don't know, it just feels like too soon to be going out and doing anything. I only left a few months ago. I know he's hanging out with his friends and working; he's not dating anyone else. I feel like I'm cheating him out or something, but there's nothing I can do from 1200 miles away. I'll write more tonight when I get home.

*Wow. That's all I really have to say. He came and picked me up at 7:00 and off we went, leaving the rest up to the night and maybe even fate. Me went to a movie at the new theater by my house. He was really nervous, I felt like we were little kids, but it was amazing. We ate ice cream at Braum's and wondered how people could tie the cherry stems in a knot with their tongues. We couldn't stop talking, and when we did it was usually to sing along with the music. We cruised memorial, went to Wal-Mart to find a few new CD's. The last stop was the elementary school. I don't know if I felt 7 years old again because we were at the grade school, or because it felt so new and unreal to date someone else other than Aiden (or even be with anyone else for that matter). I was used to Aiden, knew almost exactly what he'd say next, knew his favorite ice cream, favorite bands, what made him laugh, what he hated and loved...everything that creates someone's character. And with Brady I can't wait to hear what he'll say next because it's so different and new. Part of me is sad, more than that even, almost depressed. It's as if I'm leaving Aiden behind with each date I go on, and with each smile or every touch on the arm. It's so unexplainable; it's frustrating.

Aiden comes to visit in 2 or 3 weeks and I'm terrified. It might be scary to mix the past and the present together.

As we drove home tonight he slid his hand in between mine and held it the whole way home. I never wanted the night to end. He walked me up to the door and we talked and then he gave me the longest hug. He dropped one of his hands and held mine as he kissed me lightly on the lips. I disappeared inside and wondered if he was feeling the way I did. I've only known him for a little while, but I can't help the way I feel. More tomorrow.

-Sarah K

Friday July 7, 2000

The sun outside burns straight through my skin and makes it hard to breath right. It never used to be like that. But now I am forced to leave the life I've always known and start a new one from scratch. This may as well be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and perhaps the loneliest

Each night I try to look up at the stars hanging so perfectly in place, and remember that I'm looking at the same ones, just a different view. And then I try remember that everyone back home sees the same thing. And for some strange reason it makes me feel a little bit better about everything.

Mom tells me I can't live in the past, but I'm not sure she understands everything I'm going through. Writing letters don't keep me in the past, even though that'd be nice for once. Writing is the best form of expression and communication that I can come up with. I wish people would realize that. It's more than that even...a passion or a desire that I can't seem to control. Even though I may not do it well, I feel alive whenever my pen is clicking away and gliding across the paper.

Hearing Andrew's voice yesterday was better than a lot of things have been lately. And when he told me that he might be coming to Tulsa at the end of July; I've never been happier. It's almost been 9 months since we started dating; very hard to believe. But, I wish I could do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat. There's something between us that I'll never completely understand. It's like you always hear about these ridiculous high school romances, and what it's supposed to be like. But now that I'm living it, I don't even recognize it. How could anyone be in love at 17-years-old? I don't even feel like I'm seventeen. Sometimes, I think, "This is it. This is THE age where it all happens." But then again...there are a lot of things you don't understand at 17. I'm only beginning to see the world in this brand new light-- where everything is constantly changing

It's scary writing in here again. Sometimes I feel as if I have no privacy. Anyone could crack this open and read everything. I don't even know what would be going through their heads, especially my parents.

It isn't like I'm the most horrible person in the world. No drugs or alcohol, or sex. Even though everyone at this age seems to be involved with it in some form or another. But don't get me wrong...I'm still a teenager and make more mistakes than even I would like to admit. But how else am I supposed to learn? If someone is constantly forcing things down my throat, I don't take that too well. I wish I had more freedom. I feel like I'm five years old and my parents are still trying to hold my hand when I cross the street. I don't think they trust that I'll get across safely on my own, but I will. I wish they understood that, then again I wish they understood a lot of things.

Somehow things will work out in one way or another. This will be the journey of a lifetime, and probably not very easy. But I am certain I can make it. Goodnight.
-Sarah K