August 28-Sep 6, 2000

August 28, 2000

Leaving at 5:40 a.m. sucks in case anyone ever wants to know. I can't believe I have to do this every day. I wonder if I'll be able to do it. Aiden called again today, but I wasn't sure why. I love him calling, but he sounded like he was doing it just for my sake or something and that he didn't care. He's a big college man now. Ah well, it's just college. That kid Aiden in my 6th period class(yeah, his name is seriously Aiden...ironic) is really offended by me just because I won't go out with him. I'm tired.

-Sarah K

August 29, 2000 Tuesday

Well, it's just another Tuesday. Nothing really particular happened at all. I helped Krystin ask this boy to the Senior Hoe Down. We couldn't find his house for almost an hour or more. I brought Brady some ice cream and a card, but I didn't get to see him. I guess he is still really sick from his surgery. Krystin brought out the house phone to me and Brady picked it up inside. He thanked me for everything. Sometimes I wonder about him

I saw a Utah license plate today and I almost got sick. I felt like I was back in Utah and all the license plates in the parking lot were wrong. It's kind of crazy how that happens.

-Sarah K

August 30, 2000

I'm on the bus riding home. I can't believe that it's only been a week ago that I kissed Brady. It seems like 2 years ago. He never calls or shows interest during the week and I hate that.

Aiden in my 6th period keeps asking me out and wondering why I won't go out with him. I really don't know why to tell you the truth. I just want to go home. I can't wait until Friday. Friday means sleeping in on Saturday. I hate this place. Won't someone let me come home? Anyone I could possibly miss, I miss them right now. I never knew I'd have to deal with so many emotions.

-Sarah K

August 31, 2000

I talked to Mandy today for almost an hour, and Aiden called from college too. I miss them so much it makes me sick. It still seems weird that I just left my life behind like that. I can't help but remember. And today I think it'll be okay if I cry. I want to go back to March or April, it was all perfect. I miss my life; I want it back. Damn this Oklahoma place.

-Sarah K

September 6, 2000

Well, I guess toeday didn't turn out as well as I had hoped. But I guess it never does anyway. Yeah, so I finally called him. And it hurt because I couldn't say anything to change his mind. I guess I'll see him at the football game and I'll see him at Senior Hoe Down, but that's it. The Stake President said he can't date anymore before his mission. So long cowboy, I guess we'll never really find out how this thing could have ended because he checked out early. No more cowboys, I'm done with this Oklahoma place. I've been let down too many times. NO more. I will not let myself get close to him any longer. Goodbye, cowboy.

p.s. We're going to Utah in three weeks.

-Sarah K

September 7, 2000

All I can seem to do today is think about that cowboy. I know, I already said so long, but it didn't exactly stick real well last night.

I drove past Brady this morning in the seminary parking lot. I parked a little ways away from him, and concentrated on the door. But he flashed his lights as I began walking in and I couldn't help myself from turning around. I seriously wondered how he could look so great, even at 5:30 in the morning. He got out of his car and was all smiles. We talked for a bit and I was kind of nervous. It reminded me of the time he stayed an hour after his church just to see me when I got there. He was sitting at the very back of the chapel and gave me the best smile. I could've talked to him for hours, but for some reason I felt like I was extremely rushed, like I had to hurry up and talk so I could leave. That's what it felt like this morning. I felt like something would happen if I didn't hurry up and say what I needed to and get out of there. I knew he wanted to hug me, but hugs are so personal, too personal for our situation if I plan on letting go. I can't tangle up my heart in this anymore. And as much as I would love to be with him and hold him and kiss him. I will do my very best to keep away from that. I cannot be involved like this. I can't.

It's Aiden's birthday today and I got an interesting email from him this morning. He says he has to talk to me, which means bad news. He claimed it was nothing bad and that he was merely curious. But, I swear that one day his curiosity will kill him. It's always gotten him into trouble. I don't want to spend his birthday talking about things that are trivial. I want it to be a time when I can talk to him without that.

-Sarah K

August 12-22, 2000

So this is it, the last day of summer and there's not one thing I can do about it. I'm more homesick today than I've been in a while. I miss my mountains, my school, my wonderful friends, my boyfriend. I think if he could hold me tonight, I could get through tomorrow without a worry.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll be insanely happy; as happy as I was back home. I can't help but miss it right to death. I didn't intend on getting sad and bawling my eyes out tonight. But, I don't even know what to expect out of school tomorrow. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I think that this is probably the only year that I'll be myself entirely on the first day. Those Union Redskins are getting the real deal, this is me...Sarah K. and that's it.

I've tried to find comfort in false things. Brady shoves everything back in my face and all the other guys in my life use me, walk away, anything they want. All I want is a friend. Someone like Kelly or Stephen, anyone that will like me for me and I don't have to change a thing.

Today Julie informed me that I wasn't taking any "popular" classes and that I wouldn't find any cute guys in them, just nerds. I tired to pretend I didn't care, but I'm so fragile right now. How could I not? And whoever heard of such a thing as a "jock lot"? That's where all the "popular" people park. Well, maybe I'm not like them. I don't need to fit in with that sort of group. I like my art, and creative writing classes, and drama. It made me sick that there were separate lots where people parked, depending on social status. I won't be a part of it.

I want to go home. I want to be with my mountains and my streets that I could drive with my eyes closed.

I guess I will always have my family but every once in a while you need something more to make you feel human. Sometimes I don't even feel alive here. In Salt Lake I was so alive, God how I was so alive, full of life and love. Those moments filled my soul. Now, I'm empty and lost. I'm so lost. Won't somebody help me? I need to pray.

-Sarah K

August 21, 2000 Monday

Well I'm not really sure what to say. I mean, what can I say exactly? I got an email from Julie tonight. I don't even know why I let it bother me. I shouldn't care about what she says. But, why did she have to keep reminding me that no one liked me? I already know that the girls in the stake hate me and I know about their opinions of the new girl who came into town and stole all of their dates. But that's not my fault. I already know what they think and that I'll have to live with their stares the rest of the year. I already know I don't have any friends. But when someone else says it, there's something beneath the words that can slice you in two.

She insisted that I stole Jason King and how hurt she was by it, and that I shouldn't hang out with her anymore. Two lousy dates. Seriously? She said how she couldn't be my friend and a bunch of other bull like that. It really hurt me. I feel so awful right now.

Why can't I live in Salt Lake with all of my old friends and my old life and my old house? It's so awful being so alone at school. Bad day for that email, Julie. I'm literally falling into pieces. I can't stop crying tonight.
-Sarah K.

August 22, 2000 Tuesday

Well, I'm doing okay today I think. Mom left for Houston with Dad later in the day. Dad was so sweet. He sent me flowers today. A huge vase filled with beautiful roses, daisies, and gorgeous little things blooming all over. The card said, "Guess who loves you, baby? -Dad". It was so sweet. I love my Dad. He kept calling to make sure I was okay and giving me advice, etc. I don't think he knows how much that meant to me. I told him; but I'm not sure if he really understands.

Anyway, last night before the whole email episode, I asked Brady to Senior Hoe Down. Krystin told me all the details at lunch. So that's kind of exciting I guess.

Mom was really nice to me today and so was Cory, Les, and Tom. It's nice to know I still have my family to fall back on. And I'm also glad to know the Savior is there when all the world is falling upon my shoulders--He'll carry me as far as I need Him to.

I guess it just shows what's important in life and what things are not.
-Sarah K

August 11-15, 2000

August 11, 2000 Friday

This strange and peculiar day wasn't so unpleasant. Quite interesting in fact. I had these dreams last night and I can remember the details so clearly now. I got them piece by piece during the day. I slept from 2-4 a.m. and I lied awake until 7:00. It was dreadful. I was exhausted and sleep did not seem permissible.

I called Brady at work around 12:30. Of course I sat in front of the phone for almost 20 minutes, practically killing myself over a silly little phone call. I kept dialing 6 #'s and I just could not bring myself to dial the 7th. Somehow, though, I did dial it, and I spoke to him after all. I do not understand why I am so determined to speak with him. I feel so estranged from him and it's as if we are mere acquaintances--not even friends. I hate that. He will call tomorrow and I'm not even sure exactly what it is I have to tell him, or why it is so urgent for that matter.

Aiden, my dear, sweet Aiden. We talked for almost 2 hours today. I could've gone on for a hundred more. Ah, love, sweet, but so painful. I sound crazy, and perhaps I am a little bit. But that changes nothing. I love Aiden, I do love him. But I believe that there are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. I cannot decipher which type of love I feel for Aiden, because I do not know all the types one can experience. But, I am certain that it's love, at least some form of it.

I didn't ignore any guy's phone calls this weekend like I usually do. I answered and even agreed. Racket ball is an interesting game. Benjamin Strayer and John Stream invited me to hang out with them. I felt like I was with Joe and Mike back at the Spa back home. We went to Braum's afterward and I just got a water. We stayed for about an hour, just talking, laughing, and enjoying the Friday night that I would've otherwise spent at home. I miss Aiden, I really do.

-Sarah K

Saturday August 12, 2000

I could've gone to the lake today, seen Brady and some other friends. But I didn't. I couldn't even move when I woke up. I exercised more than I should have yesterday.

Brady called and said he would like to see me. I'm not sure if it's sincere or what his intentions are though. But, I will soon find out. I decided to get ready just in case we do hang out. It's not that I even want to kiss him or anything. I just want a friend, and it seems there is something special about this boy.

*****I still haven't figured out what is so different about Brady. But tonight game me a little more insight on the subject.

He came and got me around 6:00. I think that he probably looks perfect no matter what. We saw What Lies Beneath, my third time. But of course I didn't tell him I had seen it. I just pretended, exactly like my last date with Jason King. We had a really good time and I feel so comfortable with him; I know that nothing bad will happen when i am with him.

He put his hand on my thigh and I reached for his hand. The chemistry I felt was so incredible. I've only felt like that with Trevor and Jacob, not even Aiden. Something happens when he touches me, and I don't think he has any idea. Everything tonight was amazing. He treats me so well. He makes me feel like a lady. Every time he'd move his finger over mine or when he'd look at me, I was overcome with a wonderfully strange emotion.

On the way home he asked if I wanted to go to the park we visited on our last date, over a month ago. We did and back tracked our steps from that night. We kind of stopped in the middle of the courtyard and he looked at me like he was going to kiss me. I laughed and looked away and started for the gate. "C'mon let's get out of here." I said, still laughing. "This place kind of creeps me out." I didn't know if I was ready to kiss him or not. We went towards the playground and we started talking. He faced towards me and wrapped his arms around me. He looked at me again and kind of just gazed into my eyes for a moment. He gave me the sweetest little kiss, and I let him. "Thank you" I said smiling. He kind of laughed and I said, "What, I can't say thank you when you kiss me?" "I don't mind." he whispered and drew me closer. We sat and stared at each other for a long moment. I think he was waiting for me to respond, say something, do something. So I leaned in and wow...it was definitely amazing. The emotion behind everything was insane. We lost track of time and by the time we left it was five minutes to midnight. He was inevitably going to be late.

Monday August 14, 2000

Today is Trevor's 18th birthday and I can't help but remember the memories and all the thoughts and time devoted to him. I believe a part of me while always love him. I fell in love with him so long ago. You never forget your first love or kiss; he was both. I cannot believe that I still miss him, after all this time.

-Sarah K

Tuesday August 15, 2000

I promised myself that I'd never look up her picture in the yearbook. What's the use anyway? She's been kissing my old boyfriend and it would just remind me of what I didn't have. So I did what any girl in this situation would do. I looked her up.

Boy was I sorry after that happened. She's two years older than him and the typical Brighton girl. Short, blonde, and absolutely gorgeous. I can't help but be a little jealous. She's the one holding him instead of me and that kills me.

I realize that I have a double standard. I kiss other guys and I don't exactly want him to kiss anyone else. Impossible, I know. I don't actually expect this, it just kind of hurts is all. I know it sounds so awful and wrong. But, part of me is still in love with the boy. I can't help it. I'm afraid she'll fall in love with his kiss, just like I did. I shouldn't jump to conclusions so quickly. I have no idea what's going on between them. But from what I hear from back home, it's something. I wish I could have him back. It seems like people here use me and that's all they want--my body, not me as a person. I think that could be one of the worst feelings in the world.

I want to love someone and be loved back. I want them to hold my hand just because they feel like it. And we can watch a movie---really watch it---and cuddle, and discuss themes and symbols and tear it apart. I want someone that I don't have to say goodbye to. Someone that I don't have to question if they love me back, cause I'll always know that they feel the same way about me. I want someone who will sit with me in silence if I feel like it. Someone will will know when to give me advice and when to shut up. Someone who knows me better than I know myself. Who will go out of their way to make me happy. Someone, anyone, who doesn't live 1200 miles away.

-Sarah K.

Tuesday August 8-10, 2000

Note to self: Never attend business dinners and or parties with Dad's work or the people he works with. I don't even understand how they have so much to say. But, then again, who wouldn't loosen up after a couple of beers? Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to try it. I know I will probably never do it, but I just can't help but wonder. Life's got to have a little mystery I suppose. I guess it's probably nice when you can dull the emotion a bit. It's not so bad when you can take the edge off of it.

Out of the blue, he calls and ruins everything. My mind was set on how much I despised men. But I guess it's just like him to go ruining all my plans. I suddenly remembered all the reasons why I fell in love with him. Seeing him every few months wouldn't be so bad, but it's a lot more wear and tear on my poor heart. Maybe I'll learn to be strong, maybe one day, but not today. For now, I think it's okay that someone else is the strong one. Soon enough I'll be back to fill my old shoes.

-Sarah K


August 10, 2000

There comes a point where words are impossible to find, but they aren't necessary anyway. And that just may be the thing that saves you.

The thought of a kind of love like that, makes me wonder if such a thing really exists. Snow Falling on Cedars is perhaps one of the most passionate and extraordinary films I have seen in a while. Something in it connected with me. Something about the way he loved her made me wonder. It made me wonder if I'll ever find that intensity, that love, or passion with someone. I think I might have a few times, but only a taste. Because everyone I have ever loved I've had to leave or they did. Maybe that's what it's all about. It's like you hope that it really exists, not just in the movies.

"I think that if you'd just let me hold you, just that, then I could walk away for the rest of my life and never look back." And she will not let him. But after all is said and done, the snow falling, she calls out to him. "Can I hold you now?" And in the middle of the cold air, outside the court room, they hold each other for the last time. And they walk away. Both knowing that they experienced something and they will never be the same for the rest of their lives. I want that. I want to love so much that it hurts. So much that I couldn't imagine my life without him. And he will hold me as long as I want him to and will never let go first. I want that.

I thought of Aiden, the way we held each other through tears. How he sobbed against my chest and clutched the back of my shirt between his fingers, and neither of us felt like living. And the only thing shining that night was the moon, no stars. I think the moon was sad then.

I thought of Jacob. Riding up to Brighton, staring at the sky as the snow fell on our heads, laughing then silently crying in the back seat, knowing we could not be together. He wiped my tears away and I saw the tears falling from his own eyes and I had to look away.

I thought of Trevor. We were so young, but just as much in love. We believed in fairy tales and happy endings. And each night we'd lie awake in each other's arms, not really minding the cold, not really feeling it. And the bitter wind blew away our tears of every last night together, not knowing if it'd be another long year until our next meeting. But he held me until we heard the birds and I had to leave.

Registering for school felt like a dream, an incredible dream. There was Brady and there was me. I couldn't help but look at his lips every time he spoke. I had kissed those lips, I had. And now what do I get in return for a moment of passion? Un-returned phone calls? A painful glance? A cold shoulder? Sad eyes, sad with apology? Chills every time we accidentally touched? The special night whisked away and forgotten like a summer breeze? Maybe I don't want to love anymore. Maybe I've loved too much already in one lifetime. And why is there so much pain? Just because I loved...

-Sarah K

July 30- August 1, 2000

It's Monday...I stayed up until 5 a.m. watching Aiden sleep. I sat there knowing that he would be gone in a matter of hours and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. He was breathing in and out like I'd seen him do a million times, and I wanted to tell him all over again how I felt. every time I would move, his hand would run across my back or my face out of habit. I went into my room at 5:00 and the next thing I remember is Aiden waking me up with a kiss.

Monday-
Saying goodbye three times in one summer might as well just kill me. As I was with my best friends and my boyfriend one last time, I felt every emotion in the world.

The breakfast table was completely silent this morning. I thought if I kept spinning around in the chair, then I wouldn't cry. But, figuratively or literally we all have to stop spinning and face reality. I played our song before they left. Aiden just sat next to me holding my hand and even trembling a little.

"The last time we heard this song we were bawling." he said

We held on to time as long as possible and I said goodbye to my old life again, for good. I blew them a kiss and didn't even wait for them to drive away in that little maroon car. I couldn't. I disappeared around the corner and started crying. I miss them all so much. I need sleep.
-Sarah K

Tuesday August 1, 2000

I am glad that today is my sister's birthday and not mine. I wanted to be alone to think or cry or do whatever it was I felt like doing. My parents left and I've been in my room for a large portion of the day. I've never touched a guitar in my life and I learned Aiden's and my song. I also wrote one. I played the guitar, listened to music, wrote letters, and thought about people.

When I called Aiden he didn't seem too happy to talk to me. And didn't even say I love you for one reason or another. Which I get. Crying is easy sometimes. Especially today. I can't think. Maybe I'll write later when my thoughts are either apparent or organized.

All alone and cold again
I see it start to change
The night is getting darker
and nothing feels the same

These clouded eyes, and crowded streets
why can't I feel alive?
Walked away and fell apart
Can I give it one more try

And maybe there will never be
a place just like before
but you were always here with me
and I want nothing more

At seventeen we found a dream
and sealed it to the moon
But now the night is fading
Oh can I see you soon

I lost myself inside of you
I never meant to cry
Oh why can't I be lost again
Just like that summer night

And maybe there will never be
A place just like before
But you were always loving me
And I want nothing more

-Sarah K

Saturday July 29, 2000

It is so great to have all my friends here with me. Even though we do the same things every day, I will miss them incredibly. I miss Kelly so much already.

Things here have been crazy. Every night Aiden walks me to my bedroom and stays for a while. He's so incredible. Aiden and I talked for two hours about us today. It all started during the movie. He leaned over and kissed me.
"I love you, baby. Do you know that?"
"Sometimes" I whispered. The movie ended and Stephen and Ashton were in the kitchen.
"So why do you only sometimes know it?" he asked.
"I don't know. It just seems like you say it or I just don't believe you when you say it."
We were both on the verge of tears and I wanted nothing more than to cry right there in his arms. But I didn't.
"Aiden, we live completely separate lives now. It's hard to know it all the time." He looked at me and his eyes got so soft.
"Sarah, do you honestly think I could stop loving you?"I looked at him and didn't know the answer. "Nothing you could ever do or say would change that. I love you." He said.
Instead of crying I kissed him and said I would love him, some part of me, no matter what.
"Where do we go from here? Where do we go?" I asked.
"I don't know, but I do know that I love you."

He just held me close and we talked about the future and reminisced about the past. It just felt so right to be there in his arms.

But it's not always going to be that way.

-Sarah K

Friday July 28, 2000

Today was fine, I just don't know what to think about anything. We dropped Kelly off at the airport and when they called her to board, my heart actually hurt. My Kelly, gone. She seriously is one of the most important people in my life. And as she got on the plane, I held my head high. I didn't cry, although I wanted to. We had such a wonderful time this week together. I actually think it brought us closer than we have ever been in our entire years of friendship. And as I write these words, for some reason, I can't stop crying. I guess it was about time.

I went to Julie's party tonight. Jason, Brett, Brandon Stirling, Benjamin Strayer (who asked me out a few weeks ago), Brady (who hasn't called me since that kiss on the sports car), and John Stream (who asked me out after the dance at youth conference) were all there.

I was upset at Brady who hasn't called in so long and told me he would. He acted really nice and went out of his way for me. But I was a jerk. Well I just didn't give him as much attention as he wanted. Brett started talking to me and we ended up talking for over an hour. Everyone thought something was going on, but it turns out he is cousins with one of my best friends from back home. We had the most amazing conversation ever and it was nothing more than that. There is nothing there. I don't plan on Brady or Jason calling me ever again. Once again, I always screw things up.

-Sarah K